Thursday, December 8, 2011

How Many Times Can I Break Til I Shatter?

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever do not see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories but find yourself moving on." -Nicholas Sparks 

Nicholas Sparks is my favorite author ever. Not only because he knows how to write amazing love stories, but because all his quotes and life lessons that he includes in his books are all very true and I can easily relate to them. And this quote perfectly describes what I am going through. Once you get old enough to understand and make decisions for yourself such as what you want to wear, who you want to date, what religion you are, whether you want tattoos or not, there is always someone in your family or a friend who does not approve. So, you just have to keep the memories that you did have with them and just realize things change and just move on. And I will always keep the memories that I had with my parents. I remember little things. Like when I was starting kindergarten, every day on the way to school, my mom and I would count school buses together. And I remember always wanting to play 'I Spy' with my dad and how we would always wrestle and play around. I also remember fishing in the backyard with my brother, annoying the hell out of him all the time....but doing it out of love, of course. Hahah. I miss a lot of things I had with my mom....I miss singing in the car with her, telling her how hot a guy was that I saw at school, telling her how I am going to make her proud one day and be everything she wanted a daughter to be. Sometimes, I wish she would read this blog.....just to see how I feel and so she will know just how much I miss her and just how much I think about her. And dad...hell, I even miss dad's stupid speeches about life. I miss my brother hugging me and just messing up my hair. I miss my niece calling my name, wanting me to play dress up with her and her pulling my hair just to get a simple bow on it. I know things will never go back....that would be asking too much. I just want things to be better....yeah...better. That's all I want. And the days keep going by...Christmas is getting closer. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through it all and be able to wake up and everything be okay and normal again. It's not all my parent's fault for the way things are though....I have made mistakes. I dated a guy behind their back because I thought the guy really loved me. But turned out he just wanted sex. I failed. I didn't make it to college. I didn't marry some wealthy guy. I didn't turn out with the kinda life they wanted me to have. I failed as a daughter and that's a hard thing to deal with. But this post is getting to gotta go. Will post again later today. 

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